Life / SATIREAmerica Adds Pumpkin Spice to Cheese, Leaving Just Three Foods Under Police Protection
Seasonal flavouring denies pursuing the remaining foods but refuses to rule anything out.
Life
29 STORIES · ALL SATIRELife / SATIRE
Life / SATIRECocktail Advent Calendar Lets Britain Begin Christmas With a Small Daily Drinking Obligation
Festive discipline finally meets a target the nation feels equipped to deliver.
Life / SATIRESupermarket Offers Pre-Carved Pumpkins to Families Too Exhausted to Stab a Vegetable
Parents welcome opportunity to outsource the magical memory before bedtime.
Life / SATIREExtinct Animal Found Under London Bed Had Apparently Been Waiting for House Prices to Fall
Tasmanian tiger outlasts an entire species but cannot secure a sensible deposit.
Life / SATIRERing Found After 28 Years Forces Husband to Withdraw Long-Standing Claim It Was Definitely in the Car
The lake has produced evidence at an inconvenient stage of the argument.
Life / SATIRECat Caught Stealing Dog’s Dinner Describes Incident as Neighbourhood Rebalancing
The dog has been thanked for his contribution to the cat’s understanding of ownership.
Life / SATIREConstruction Kitten Promoted After Demonstrating Perfect Understanding of Site Supervision
The newest employee watches everybody else work, then disappears when something needs signing.
Life / SATIREParis Offers Non-Weddings, British Guests Still Expected to Buy Something From the List
Couple vow to continue not marrying in a ceremony costing substantially more than doing so privately.
Life / SATIREMarmot Wins Award for Eating and Sleeping, Humans Demand to Know Where to Apply
A lifetime of apparently transferable skills has finally found a recognised qualification.
Life / SATIREHalf-Marathon Becomes Triathlon After Organisers Discover Water
Entrants question whether the premium registration package included the option to remain on land.
Life / SATIREUgliest Dog Wins Prize, Owner Finally Has Official Defence of Dating-App Photo
Judges celebrate a face that has never once needed to explain it is more attractive in person.
Life / SATIREGuard Dog Brings Intruder a Toy, Cites Commitment to De-escalation
An independent review finds the property completely unprotected but exceptionally welcoming.
Life / SATIREPetrol pump asks motorist whether he would like to round up to despair
The receipt can now be folded into a small statement of regret.
Life / SATIREHigh street coat asks weather to consider its quarterly targets
Autumn stock has been hanging around looking overdressed.
Life / SATIREConsumer confidence replaced by consumer shrug
Economists detect a nation still shopping, but with an expression.
Life / SATIREWeather app offers premium forecast that agrees with your plans
Rain can be moved to a day when you are already miserable.
Life / SATIREMan who said “we need a proper summer” unavailable for comment
His electric fan has requested a less demanding owner.
Life / SATIREBritain demands refund on coats after September refuses to become autumn
The public has already committed emotionally to soup.
Life / SATIREBlanket upgraded from soft furnishing to infrastructure
The sofa is now a warm hub with parking restrictions.
Life / SATIREKettle becomes household’s most carefully scheduled appointment
Tea is still spontaneous, provided forty-eight hours notice is given.
Life / SATIREHousehold appoints thermostat finance director
Any increase above seventeen degrees will require a business case.
Life / SATIREBritain buys emergency biscuits to prepare for biscuit inflation
The contingency tin is already being used for routine incidents.
Life / SATIREFish counter introduces mortgage adviser
The catch of the day is a five-year fixed rate.
Life / SATIREPremium supermarket range now sold with a short explanation of your success
The packaging reassures shoppers that the same lentils would disappoint them elsewhere.
Life / SATIREMan spends £18 on petrol to save £2 at cheaper supermarket
The spreadsheet has been declared a protected emotional asset.
Life / SATIRESupermarket loyalty card now requires an actual declaration of loyalty
Customers must defend their chosen shop at dinner parties.
Life / SATIREHouse viewing requires proof of funds and convincing impression of happiness
Buyers must demonstrate they can describe a damp wall as character.
Life / SATIRELandlord lists emotional baggage as second bedroom
The room has excellent potential for somebody who can sleep standing up.
Life / SATIRELondon flat comes with exclusive access to the idea of a garden
The outdoor space is available to imagine between six and nine on weekdays.