This is satire. Events, dialogue and quotations in this article are invented for comic effect. It is not a factual news report.

A canvas bag has returned from a literature festival carrying six books, nine leaflets and a version of its owner who has strong views about the direction of culture.

The attendee arrived with no particular intellectual position beyond needing a coffee. By the second panel she had concerns about discourse, public space and why all the interesting talks overlapped.

The bag proved instrumental, advertising her commitments while doing most of the physical work.

At one discussion she purchased a book about resisting consumerism. At another she bought a second copy because the first would make a useful gift for someone who already had too much stuff.

The experience has inspired her to reconsider how she uses her time. She intends to spend less of it on her phone, once she has uploaded the photographs proving the reconsideration took place.

At home, the bag will be hung beside several others acquired during earlier periods of personal renewal.

Its contents will be read in the coming months, which is the traditional storage location for British cultural ambition.

Organisers say the festival’s impact cannot be measured purely in ticket sales. It must also be measured in the number of kitchen chairs now unavailable for sitting.