This is satire. Events, dialogue and quotations in this article are invented for comic effect. It is not a factual news report.

An audience member has requested an official recording of a concert he documented continuously on his phone, explaining that his own version contains too much evidence of the documentation.

The footage includes a hand, a balcony rail and a remarkably detailed study of the phone belonging to the person in front. Somewhere beyond these subjects, an orchestra can occasionally be identified.

He had begun filming to preserve the atmosphere. Within minutes, the atmosphere consisted largely of people trying to preserve it.

During the quiet movement he adjusted his zoom, preserving that adjustment with exceptional clarity. A neighbour can be heard offering an unsolicited reflection on his technique.

The man says nothing can replace the immediacy of live performance. He intends to upload the experience once he has improved its lighting, shortened its pauses and removed a section in which nothing visually interesting happens.

His friends will receive a selection of highlights showing that he was there. They have already confirmed that they believe him.

The concert programme describes music as an encounter between performers and listeners. A revised edition may need to acknowledge the increasingly influential third party: a device held at shoulder height, having a reasonably good evening.