This is satire. Events, dialogue and quotations in this article are invented for comic effect. It is not a factual news report.

A office worker has celebrated a pay rise by buying precisely the same groceries as before, a milestone she describes as “financially standing still with better paperwork”.

Her manager congratulated her on the increase during a meeting which included the phrase “recognition of your contribution”. Her direct debits have also recognised her contribution and would like a larger one.

The improved salary initially appeared sufficient to justify a weekend away. After recalculation it comfortably covered the difference between last year’s electricity and this year’s electricity, provided the weekend involved remaining at home in a jumper.

She has updated her budgeting application, which responded with a small celebratory animation. The application’s subscription is also increasing, ensuring that her money-management tool remains an active participant in the problem.

Friends advised her to negotiate harder, move jobs or launch a side business. She considered all three before remembering that each requires energy not currently included in her compensation package.

For now, she intends to enjoy the achievement. At the next supermarket trip she will buy the cheese she always bought, pause at the checkout and appreciate that career progression has allowed her to maintain this important aspect of her existing personality.