Britain has been told to remain perfectly still until the next interest-rate decision, in case any sudden optimism disturbs the economy.
Households have welcomed the latest hold by continuing the national tradition of opening a mortgage email with the posture of someone defusing a bomb. The number was unchanged. The pulse was not.
Fictional borrower Simon Peake said he was delighted to have financial certainty for approximately six weeks. He has celebrated by not buying a sofa, a replacement oven or the slightly ambitious cheese.
Television studios have installed a special chair for economists to explain that the decision could lead to a rise, a fall or another decision. Viewers described this as useful preparation for absolutely everything.
Peake’s mortgage broker has recommended waiting to see what happens, an approach which also describes his dentist, his pension and the damp patch in the hall. All four are expected to become more expensive if ignored.
The household will now monitor every economic headline, despite having no ability to influence any of them. A spokesperson for the family confirmed that their next strategic move would be turning a light off and feeling briefly in control.
