In The Bystander’s imagined boardroom at Manchester United, preparations are under way to explain the club’s unique circumstances to another man who has made the mistake of understanding football.
With Michael Carrick’s position under scrutiny after the Bournemouth defeat, the fictional recruitment committee has dusted off its presentation entitled A New Era. The file was easy to find because every previous version was also called A New Era.
The fictional job description seeks a proven winner capable of rebuilding the team over several seasons while demonstrating that the rebuilding has worked by Saturday. Applicants should bring their own miracle; previous experience of resurrection is preferred.
“We need somebody who understands the scale of this club,” said an entirely invented recruitment adviser. “Ideally before we explain the scale of the problem.”
The first interview will assess leadership, communication and the ability to describe a disappointing result as a useful indication of where the group is. Candidates who mention the league table too early will be asked whether they truly understand the project.
A second interview will focus on transfer strategy. The successful manager must identify players suited to his system, adapt the system to the players already purchased and explain why both approaches were always part of the same plan.
The board’s fictional presentation includes a timeline demonstrating institutional continuity. This is represented by a sequence of different managers standing in the same place with the same scarf.
One imaginary applicant asked what would change around the new coach. The committee assured him that the photograph on the website would be updated promptly.
Supporters, meanwhile, have been asked to remain patient with a process whose most consistent feature is the announcement that a fresh process is beginning. The club shop is understood, in this invented account, to have excellent availability on fresh-start merchandise.
The next appointment will receive complete backing. A separate meeting has been provisionally booked to discuss what complete backing means when it has been withdrawn.
