Britain’s fictional Office of Unexpected Outdoors has commissioned an urgent review after discovering that a substantial portion of the railway is exposed to Britain.
The finding follows this weekend’s storm warnings, which prompted the office to examine a map. Investigators identified an alarming amount of sky directly above the tracks, with no apparent booking system for what might fall out of it.
“We had budgeted for weather,” said an invented spokesman. “What we had not budgeted for was weather arriving at the railway.” He confirmed that a consultant had previously raised the issue, but the report was stored on a train which has yet to arrive.
The preferred solution is to move October into a purpose-built indoor facility near Milton Keynes. November would remain outside during a six-month consultation, while February would be abolished on the grounds that nobody has ever returned from it with a useful anecdote.
Passengers have been advised to check before travelling, then check again after checking, as the original check may no longer reflect the current position of a tree. A new app will consolidate the checks into one convenient notification reading: “You should have stayed where you were.”
One imaginary commuter said his journey now required three apps, two contingency routes and the sort of laminated folder normally associated with invading a small country. He had considered driving, but his car was under a branch and the branch was awaiting a replacement bus.
The replacement bus has itself requested permission to work from home. Management rejected the application after discovering that the driver’s living room has insufficient turning space and is already operating a reduced Sunday service.
In a fictional pilot scheme, a leaf has been appointed director of network resilience. It brings thirty years of experience stopping trains and has promised to be on the line by eight. This would make it the first thing on the timetable to arrive when expected.
For now, officials insist the system is coping admirably. The departure board is fully illuminated, the coffee costs more than lunch, and every cancelled service is being announced with impeccable clarity.
“People say this country can’t run a railway,” the spokesman added. “Nonsense. We can run a railway perfectly well. It’s the involvement of the country that causes the problems.”
