Britain has resolved the question of its relationship with Europe by inviting all 27 EU countries to join the United Kingdom, provided they accept that the kitchen closes at nine.
The proposal, announced by the entirely invented Ministry of Being Reasonable About This, would restore frictionless trade without requiring Britain to admit it had gone anywhere. Officials described it as a reset, but with everyone else holding the screwdriver.
France would retain its language, cuisine and substantial collection of opinions, although any lunch lasting more than twenty minutes would need to be booked as annual leave. Italy could keep the espresso, on the understanding that a large coffee means a large coffee, not a tiny cup with an architectural explanation.
Germany has requested a detailed implementation timetable. Britain has replied that somebody is looking into it and asked whether Thursday would be any good. Thursday has since been moved to the next financial year.
Under the fictional accession terms, Brussels would become a regional administrative centre, roughly equivalent to Swindon but with better rail connections. All existing EU regulations would be abolished, then reintroduced individually as British common sense.
A fictional negotiator confirmed there would be no freedom of movement until everyone could demonstrate proficiency in standing near a door without indicating whether they intended to enter it. Applicants must also understand that “not bad” is the highest compliment available.
The imagined offer includes blue passports, three competing weather apps and the constitutional right to complain about all three. Negotiators say the arrangement respects every nation’s sovereignty, which will be stored securely in a cupboard in Westminster.
European officials have yet to respond to the invented invitation. Britain has taken this as broad agreement and begun ordering commemorative mugs.
