Aldi and Lidl have been promoted, in The Bystander’s entirely fictional supermarket honours system, from plucky outsiders to large organisations about which someone’s uncle has serious concerns.
The change follows official recognition that the chains are large grocery retailers, ending the period in which opening an enormous supermarket could still be described as taking on the enormous supermarkets.
Regular shoppers said they supported the transition, provided it did not affect the availability of a canoe between the biscuits and the dog food.
“I liked them before they were big,” said one customer, steering a trolley round thirty other people who had also liked them before they were big. “Now everybody goes there. It’s very disappointing for those of us who go there.”
Under the imagined new social classification, shoppers may continue to describe their weekly shop as savvy, but will need to produce stronger evidence before calling it a personal rebellion against the establishment.
The established supermarkets welcomed the prospect of a level playing field, a phrase which in British retail means that everyone would prefer to be the only supermarket next to it.
A fictional industry analyst said the change was an important moment in the life cycle of a challenger brand. “First you’re obscure. Then you’re disruptive. Then you’re ubiquitous. Finally, people complain that you aren’t what you were when they discovered you last Thursday.”
Customers confirmed that the chains’ success had not changed their essential relationship with them. They would still go in for eggs and emerge with a welding mask, while insisting the other supermarkets encouraged unnecessary spending.
One shopper expressed particular concern that greater size might make the experience less personal.
He was then overtaken by his own groceries at the checkout.
